it’s easier to clean up after a party of one. 
close the bag of doritos, 
turn off netflix, 
and it’s almost like 
it never happened.
 
i long for the echo of laughter in my ears, 
for glitter still pressed on my body, 
for sweat that smells like someone else, 
for a night that blurs into a day and back again 
without my noticing.
 
but buzzfeed quizzes and pajamas are better.
 
i tell my therapist 
and she nods 
but i’ve seen her facebook 
with wine in her hand and
her hair in her face and 
a smile i’ve never felt.
 
i didn’t send her a request 
because who friends their therapist 
and anyway i don’t need another party 
i’m not invited to.
 
i bring too many unwelcome guests 
and there is only so much fun to go around. 
they would swallow it whole 
and still be hungry 
and turn on my mind instead.
 
and, trust me, nothing kills a party 
like a panic attack 
or a flashback 
or a suicide.
 
when netflix asks if i’m still watching i always say yes.
 
what i mean is 
please don’t uninvite me too. 
what i mean is 
please, for once,
let me stay.
 
i promise that when i’m done 
i will not leave a mess. 
i promise that it will be 
like i was never here 
at all.

Amanda Kaye Stein is a poet, writer, visual artist, performer, and proud Slytherin. You can find her on YouTube, Twitter, and Instagram.